Bad Poetry Reading

I suppose some context is in order, because normally I’m such an upbeat person, but I don’t really have an explanation I’m prepared to fully disclose. In addition to Project Finish Line, which I’ll be writing on more this weekend, I’ve embarked on a bit of an accidental journey that is putting me through my paces, and well…out this came. 

Worry not, my friends, I may not actually be as bullet proof as I claim, but I try to be tough to hit. 

And if you’re reading this, suggestions on a title?

Broken heart, yet still I stand

A shattered shell with grains of sand

Beneath the skin that rip and tear

At throbbing scars already there.

Empty numbness leaves me needing.

Someone stop the jagged edges inside bleeding.

But I walk alone with you forever,

Festering wounds holding me together.

Pull away then turn around 

For though I fight I long to drown

In the merciless sea of time ahead 

That fills my every breath with dread

Of living life an immortal cursed 

To trudge invisible upon the earth 

Across the paths of none who see

What could have been whole is broken in me.

My soul is hope transformed to doubt

Now trapped and screaming with no way out.

At the top of my lungs I silently cry 

Lamenting the second before goodbye 

Where possibilities thrived,
And we were alive,
With reasons to try,
And no end in sight.

But now it’s today,

When you walked away,

Leaving behind you this fractured wraith 

To survive in the absence of aspirations or faith.

So I put on the smile already failing me

To pretend to the world I’m still in one piece

And somehow still similar to

The person I was when looking at you,

But It’s all a lie, for with each ragged breath 

That person is gone, the thing remaining is death.

It’s desperate to fall, but I steady my hand…

Broken hearted, yet still 

Mercilessly 

I stand.

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Aside

Talking to Strangers

I’ve spent the last few days mostly alone while my guy DJ’s on Miami. While I miss having him around, I also have enjoyed the solo time.

For example, today I was aptly un-entertained enough to discover I’ve finally grown my hair out enough to have a for-real ponytail again! (This picture was me showing of my just barely visibly legitimate pony to my husband via text.)

ponytail

But once that little adventure was complete, I got it together enough to go out and do some shopping (my niece had to bail on prom shopping due to lack of parental consent). I found, as I have before, that I love my solitude when I’m out among strangers. I’m an introvert of sorts by nature, but the common misconception about introverts is that we don’t like to socialize or be out with people. The reality is that we just need to be able to get away and recharge on our own. A lot of interaction sort of sucks the life out of us after a while. (Business mingling, I’m reasonably certain, is the thing that will ultimately lead to my undoing. I’ll be reserving my room at the local mental health facility soon.)

So the observer role, for me, can be pretty valuable. I never feel as though I’m lonely when I’m alone in that way. I feel both connected and entirely separate from the people around me. I get to choose which interactions I want to be part of, and which I want to avoid. I can live in my own mind without interruption without being isolated. What are their stories? What are they thinking? What brought them here? Where are they going? How are we similar or different?

It’s only when I’m feeling – or actually – isolated that I am lonely. Being home alone for more than 24 hours is like that. I love the quiet, I love the solitude, I love the independence (probably more than anything)…until I don’t. Then I begin to feel lonely and restless.

So that’s when I enjoy talking to strangers, despite my oh-so-introvertedness. when I’m out doing whatever I’m doing.

Today I talked to an Israeli man, an adorable cashier at Express, a homeless woman outside the grocery store, a very cool massage therapist, and a pilot standing in line at Starbucks.

Now it’s dark in my bedroom, I’m listening to Boyce Avenue on Pandora, and I have two dogs taking up the space (and more) that my guy usually occupies. And I’m a little lonely.

But tomorrow’s another day for talking to strangers.